By Charlotte Freccia ’19
This must have been Justin Bieber’s agenda all along: capture our vulnerable middle-school hearts with his soft hair, soft smile, and gentle vocals, lose his shit, insult notable historical figures from Anne Frank to Bill Clinton, piss in a mop bucket, become a collective cultural effigy doll, become Grown-Man Hot and star in a Calvin Klein underwear campaign, and then redeem himself by dropping three unquestionable bangers in rapid succession in the latter months of the Year of Our Lord 2015. His new LP, Purpose, is the Big Bad Biebs at his slickest, sexiest, and most adult, and the three leading singles (“What Do You Mean?” “Sorry” and “Love Yourself,” the aforementioned “unquestionable bangers”) feature three distinct styles and personalities. Everyone knows which girl they most identify with from the “Sorry” video (I’m the one in the yin-yang tracksuit, in case anyone was wondering), but beyond that I wonder, as one does, which track most poignantly speaks to my spiritual status in these early days of 2016––which just might be remembered, as 2015 was The Year of The Weeknd, as The Year of JB.
At any rate, here’s a handy quiz that’ll let you know if you’re more “Love Yourself” than “What Do You Mean?” or “Sorry.” (And if you are, woof. You’re in my prayers).
Things with your hometown honey were left on a rather sour note upon your return to Kenyon. Now that you’re back, though, you’re being exposed to late-night Snapchats and drunken Missed Calls. Your former bae needs to know you’ve moved on, and you deliver the message as follows:
- You don’t. Continue to respond to the desperate Snaps (promptly, no less) while also flirting with the homies on your hall. Nothing wrong with keeping your options open, much less feeling up, down, and in between.
- Produce a glossy video featuring flexible dancers in fluorescent costumes in order to acknowledge the wrongs you’ve done and clear the air in the new year.
- Remember all the reasons your mama didn’t like your chosen partner and compose a subtly devastating kiss-off to remind yourself that you’re better sleeping on your own.
Pick your democratic-party candidate:
- Hillary Clinton
- Martin O’Malley
- Bernie Sanders
Second semester is hitting you harder than those eggs hit JB’s neighbor’s house. Papers, exams, presentations––it’s only the third week of classes, and you feel like you’re going to collapse at any moment. How are you coping?
- Spend an inordinate amount of time at Office Hours, asking questions about the reading material and getting specialized attention from your professors. As for that tough, complicated assignment that lacks a concrete description on the syllabus: make sure to ask your teacher: “Oh, oh, oh, what do you mean?”
- Try your best. Be earnest and energetic. And if it all falls apart, remember that it’s never too late to say “Sorry.”
- Remember the importance of self-love and take frequent study breaks to exercise, sleep, and recharge. Beware the dangers of getting caught up in your job!
Footwear of choice:
If you got…
mostly 1’s Congratulations! Your fluid attitude and curious nature make “What Do You Mean?” your spirit-song. Now, whether you’re the pleading, confused asker or the indecisive askee is entirely up to you.
mostly 2’s Your February mood is best expressed in bright colors, super-fly dance moves, and synth-wails reminiscent of elephant sounds: that’s right––it just might be time to embrace the ubiquity of the Biebs and get a little “Sorry” into your life.
mostly 3’s Aw, man. Are you okay? Seems like “Love Yourself” is the song you’re most connecting with these days. You’ve been burned; that much is clear. Remember that it’s okay to admit when you’re wrong and appreciate yourself a little.